Tuesday, May 20, 2008

R. Kelley Wins James Randi's Million Dollar Challenge, Zammit Rejoices.

It was an historical moment, one that science and skeptics will be reeling from for the next century. R&B singer R. Kelley, currently on trial for soliciting a minor for child pornography in the state of Illinois, was awarded some much needed money for his legal woes by winning the James Randi Million Dollar Challenge.

James Randi, America's best known skeptic and debunker, has made a career challenging and discrediting claimants of paranormal abilities. In his Million Dollar Challenge, Randi offers the prize money to "anyone who can show, under proper observing conditions, evidence of any paranormal, supernatural, or occult power or event."

R. Kelley has been claiming such an ability since his 1996 mega hit song "I believe I can Fly," from the movie, "Space Jam."

In the song, R. Kelley contends,
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Appearing on Larry King Live, James Randi called R. Kelley's bluff, and challenged him to apply to his challenge.
"If you can really fly," he said, "then let's test it."
Both parties, the James Randi Educational Foundation, and R. Kelley's entourage, agreed that Mr. Kelley would have to fly at least 300 meters unaided by any motorized or non-human method of propulsion.

When the moment of truth arrived, The R&B legend took a step out on to the makeshift ledge that had been affixed to the rooftop of the Sears Tower. He was cheered on by a squad of former teenage defendants, then Mr. Kelley unbuttoned his fine, leather jacket, and whispered, "Let's fly, baby."

At exactly twelve noon, under perfect weather conditions, the R&B balladeer stepped off the Sears Tower and began to fly what ornithology experts called a,"predatory hawk formation" over a high school on the south side of Chicago.

On the ground, fans and ordinary onlookers gazed up in total disbelief. One surprised woman said she was hopeful Mr. Kelley would succeed, but her husband was more pessimistic, noting that wind resistance from a zipper malfunction on Mr. Kelley's pants might cause the singer problems.

James Randi, on the other hand, was visibly upset by the impeding loss of his coveted million dollar prize.
"I can't believe he can fly, I can't believe he can fly! Sure, I've sung that song in the shower like everyone else, but I never thought my money would be taking a bath in it."
Immediately following Mr. Kelley's success, Victor Zammit claimed victory for himself and the afterlife, then quietly pushed medium David Thompson off of Sydney's Harbour Bridge.

(this piece is satirical and should not be interpreted as real news).

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