Frankincense Makes Sense

In the story of the Three Magi, or Three Wise Men, Three Kings from the East bring the newborn king of the Jews three "welcome to the world" gifts; they were gold, frankincense and myrrh.

When I first heard this story as a child, I immediately thought, "C'mon, frankincense and myrrh, what kind of lame gift is that?" The magi who brought the gold, now he was obviously tuned in to the mind of a kid.

Frankincense and myrrh are two different types of incense, with different properties and purposes, but totally useless to a child.

As a child, I remember my mom used to burn incense all the time. Sometimes my house would smell like a gypsy brothel (not that I know what that smells like), that I would often come home from school, enter the house and want to vomit, feeling totally nauseated. Of course, school also made me feel nauseated, so home was no escape when Mom was burning the incense.

Now as an adult, and more so as a parent, I look at the story of the three kings in a different light. Yet, I still find myself asking the same questions as I did as a child. Why Frankincense? Wouldn't a rattle be more appropriate? Or perhaps a month's supply of cloth diapers? What's a crying baby going to do with ceremonial incense?

Well, science has the answer I've been searching for. It seems that Frankincense, which is derived from the dried up resin of the Boswellia plant, can alleviate anxiety and depression by activating poorly understood ion channels in the brain. In other words, when you burn this shit, it really calms you down and makes you chill out.

As the parent of two toddlers, I can't tell you how many times I wished that there were some magic pill I could legally give my kids for a few moments of peace and quiet. If only I had known about Frankincense. If only my wife didn't hate the smell of incense.

It's obvious now that King Balthasar didn't bring Jesus the frankincense; the gift was for Joseph and Mary. I'm sure Balthasar said, "Look, this boy may be the son of God, but he's still going to get gas at night and keep you up with his teething, so just keep this stuff handy." Now you see why they called him a wise man.

So let me share with you the same wisdom, here. If you are expecting, or you know someone who's got a bun in the oven, don't buy the child some elitist, classical music CD that's supposed to make him/her smarter than their peers. Instead, get the parents a box of frankincense. It's the legal marijuana for parents. If they feel guilty about giving their children or themselves anti-anxiety agents, just tell them that they are simply following a tradition set forth in the little town of Bethlehem over 2000 years ago. Amen.

Frankincense makes sense, and you can get it here.

R. Kelley Wins James Randi's Million Dollar Challenge, Zammit Rejoices.

It was an historical moment, one that science and skeptics will be reeling from for the next century. R&B singer R. Kelley, currently on trial for soliciting a minor for child pornography in the state of Illinois, was awarded some much needed money for his legal woes by winning the James Randi Million Dollar Challenge.

James Randi, America's best known skeptic and debunker, has made a career challenging and discrediting claimants of paranormal abilities. In his Million Dollar Challenge, Randi offers the prize money to "anyone who can show, under proper observing conditions, evidence of any paranormal, supernatural, or occult power or event."

R. Kelley has been claiming such an ability since his 1996 mega hit song "I believe I can Fly," from the movie, "Space Jam."

In the song, R. Kelley contends,

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Appearing on Larry King Live, James Randi called R. Kelley's bluff, and challenged him to apply to his challenge.

"If you can really fly," he said, "then let's test it."

Both parties, the James Randi Educational Foundation, and R. Kelley's entourage, agreed that Mr. Kelley would have to fly at least 300 meters unaided by any motorized or non-human method of propulsion.

When the moment of truth arrived, The R&B legend took a step out on to the makeshift ledge that had been affixed to the rooftop of the Sears Tower. He was cheered on by a squad of former teenage defendants, then Mr. Kelley unbuttoned his fine, leather jacket, and whispered, "Let's fly, baby."

At exactly twelve noon, under perfect weather conditions, the R&B balladeer stepped off the Sears Tower and began to fly what ornithology experts called a,"predatory hawk formation" over a high school on the south side of Chicago.

On the ground, fans and ordinary onlookers gazed up in total disbelief. One surprised woman said she was hopeful Mr. Kelley would succeed, but her husband was more pessimistic, noting that wind resistance from a zipper malfunction on Mr. Kelley's pants might cause the singer problems.

James Randi, on the other hand, was visibly upset by the impeding loss of his coveted million dollar prize.

"I can't believe he can fly, I can't believe he can fly! Sure, I've sung that song in the shower like everyone else, but I never thought my money would be taking a bath in it."

Immediately following Mr. Kelley's success, Victor Zammit claimed victory for himself and the afterlife, then quietly pushed medium David Thompson off of Sydney's Harbour Bridge.

(this piece is satirical and should not be interpreted as real news).

Drunks in Heaven

Posted by Jackson Citizen Patriot May 12, 2008 08:05AM

Bill Bramanti has booked an unconventional passage into the afterlife. Whether you like it or not is a matter of taste, and we don't mean the taste of beer.

The South Chicago Heights, Ill., man loves Pabst Blue Ribbon so much that he ordered — and received — a custom-made beer-can casket. The 67-year-old celebrated recently with a party and filled the red, white and blue coffin with ice and beer.

"I actually fit, because I got in here," Bramanti told the Associated Press.

Why go to such lengths? And for Pabst beer? We don't dare understand. We should note, however, that he's not the first to prepare for mortality in what we might consider unconventional ways.

Ancient Egyptians were buried with everyday objects, and wealthier ones would have coffins filled with jewelry and other valuable items. Some Inuits in Alaska would leave the dead in igloos, where the body could remain intact on ice for eternity. In Jamaica, death would bring on a celebration involving dancing, singing and 100-proof rum.

No beer, though. Hmm.

Then again, in March archaeologists in Britain dug up a 4,000-year-old skeleton with an ornate pot at its feet that one researcher said could have been "a type of beer mug."

All that's missing were the peanuts.

Ectoplasm declared safe for consumption.

Thanks to those fine doctoral students over at Omni Brain, I've been alerted to a ground breaking scientific documentary that unveils some of the greatest mysteries of parapsychological study.

One such question, "Can ectoplasm be eaten, and what does it taste like?" is finally answered with vivid detail. I imagine that this revelation will now afford physical materialization medium, David Thompson, to finally put a drive-thru up his nose and profit from the ectoplasm well that flows there and in other orifices of his body.

Warning: If you have misplaced your sense of humor, you may want to avoid this video... and this blog.

First Annual "What Ever Happened to David Thompson?" Essay Contest

WARNING: Sense of Humor Required.

I'm happy to announce the first annual, "What ever happened to David Thompson?" Essay Contest.

As some of you may know, an Australian Survival of Death enthusiast, Victor Zammit, declared last year that the physical materializations of medium David Thompson were "Earth Shattering" and would change everything we know about consciousness survival. This Earth shattering news has barely reached the level of a yawn in the heavens. Why? Well, for starters, the experiments Down Under are anything but scientific, despite the claims of Mr. Zammit. Secondly, David Thompson is a fraud.

In the 4-5 years since David Thompson has been claiming to materialize dead people through the secretion of ectoplasm which supposedly exudes from his bodily orifices, no one has taken these ludicrous claims seriously. Yet, David Thompson is still pulling the wool over people's eyes Down Under, and now, he's taking his ScamFlam on the road with a tour of the UK.

Knowing I couldn't save a few poor British souls from being taken in by this charlatan-come-lately, I decided that the best thing to do in this situation was to mentally fast-forward another year or so in time and live happy knowing David Thompson has either been exposed as the fraud he is, or he's been rightfully forgotten. Yes, in the very near future, David Thompson will have been sent back to the boggy marsh from whence he emerged, and his giddy publicist, Victor Zammit, will be off chasing some other quixotic windmill.

Wait a second, this smells like a contest. Maybe my version of David Thompson's future is totally off. Perhaps some reader out there can come up with a better scenario for David Thompson's eventual downfall.

So, I decided to invite the public to write their own essay on how the David Thompson story should end? Why not? David Thompson's claims are so incredulous and imaginative, they deserve an equally imaginative finale.

So, even if you don't know who materialization medium David Thompson is, you can still take part in the contest by reading up on all the controversy here.

The What Ever Happened to David Thompson? Essay Contest

Rules and Guidelines

1)Write a 500 word or less imaginative and fictitious essay answering the question, "What ever happened to David Thompson?"

2)The essay must be creative and entertaining.

3)Essay must end with the phrase, "Ectoplasm! I knew it."

4) All submissions must be received by Halloween night, October 31, 2007.

5)All submissions must be sent to mc@afterlifemedium.com and must be from a valid email address and include a first name* and verifiable telephone number.**

Judging & Voting

I will personally pick the 10 best essays and then ask the viewing public to vote for their top three favorites.

Prizes
The top three entries will receive a FREE reading with me.
Winners who may have already had a reading with me or anyone else not desiring the reading for themselves may gift the prize to anyone of their own choosing.

First prize - a FREE 2 hour reading
Second Prize - a FREE hour and a half reading
Third prize - a FREE hour reading.

Legalities

*I will only allow anonymous entries, as long as the true author reveals themselves privately to me.
**Personal phone numbers are only requested to authenticate essay entrant and will never be published, sold or used for any form of marketing or solicitation.


Now, for your listening pleasure, my AfterlifeFM interview with blogger, Michael Prescott, where we discuss the dubious claims of materialization medium, David Thompson.

So, let's all get creative and help me figure out "What ever happened to David Thompson?"

Better off dead?

The old saying, everyone has their price, has even more meaning now that Mingle2, an online dating service, has put up a cadaver calculator on their website.

When you think that love-hungry singles are meeting total strangers on the net, then the whole cadaver calculator on a dating site seems even more creepy than usual.

BTW, my cadaver is worth $4115.00. Don't tell my wife that, though...

$4115.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Dating Site

Mingle² - Free Dating Site

Great Deals on Coffins at Costco

The timing is a bit odd for me to have come across this story today. After all, I just had to buy a coffin for my father less than two weeks ago. Maybe that's why I am not put off by this story. In fact, I had to buy more than just a coffin, I had to pay for mortuary services and an entire funeral.

There are no Costco's that I know of in Argentina. Even if there are, they wouldn't be anywhere near where my father lived. Every time I asked my father for an address, it would be a succession of "at the intersection of this street and that street, just up the road from the gas station, turn right and look for a small shack past a column of red berry shrubs."

In the end, the coffin my father received was a plain pine box - humble, simple and totally unpretentious. All qualities my father lacked in life. In a way, I figured I'd make one last attempt to instill in him traits I thought might aid him getting past security at the pearly gates.

To some, selling coffins at Florida's Costco may seem tasteless and even opportunistic, but in a competitive, free market environment, even the Grim Reaper has to take advantage of demographic opportunities. See news article on Costco Coffins.

So, what's my point here? Well, for one, you'd better pick out your own coffin ahead of time, because you never really know what revenge your children will take if they have to buy one for you. And secondly, if you are going to go the cheap route and buy one at Costco, go ahead and kill two birds with one stone (pun intended), and buy yourself a whole palette of discounted Lysol All-purpose cleaner while you're at it. Aisle 12, I believe.

Restore the Republic

I grew up in a libertarian family. I am sure that I was educated in constitutional law long before I knew anything about the birds and the bees. Yes, it's kind of sad to note that while other boys my age were transfixed by naked tribeswomen in National Geographic, I was totally engrossed in the papers of Jefferson and Adams.

An amusing side note to my family's deeply involved political dogma, was that at one point, at least 75% of the members of my family were on a ballot somewhere in the State of Texas. Even I was dragged into the political arena, though a bit begrudgingly.

When I turned 18, my older brother submitted my name as a candidate for Texas Railroad Commissioner. He was too busy running for another High office post. When I informed my brother that I was going to college and had no intention of being Railroad Commissioner, he said, "don't worry, you are going to abolish the position the first week you are in office."

In college, I became more "progressive" or "liberal", and I rebelled against what I perceived as the outdated and old-fashioned theories of the Libertarian Party. When I started doing stand-up comedy, digging into my family's "let's go back to 1776" mentality was a good source of humor for my act. Let's face it, Libertarians are not the coolest cats in the alley.

In 1988, my family, and the whole Libertarian world, was all gaga over a new political hopeful. Ron Paul became the Libertarian Presidential candidate and made quite a showing on election night - better than anything the Libertarians had ever experienced nationally before.

Flash forward 20 years later, and Ron Paul is aiming his sights on the big house once again. Some things have changed, though. This time around, Ron Paul is a Republican Congressman, not a Libertarian dark horse. Like last time, his campaign is still focused on the idea that government power is born from individual rights, not he other way around.

I would like to think the work I do as a medium has a similar message to it. After all, I am of the belief that God comes from individual consciousness, not the other way around.

Would I vote for Ron Paul given that he win his party's primary? I'm not sure. He does possess that one quality we all wish we could possess - selfless integrity. As a person, I trust him more than Hillary or Obama. Stranger than that, I'm beginning to think my crazy family might have been right all those years ago. Sometimes I even wonder how different life would have been as the Texas Railroad Commissioner instead of a guy who talks to the dead. Ah, the wonder of it all.

Queerer than we can suppose.

No matter what you think of Richard Dawkins or his philosophy and (non)beliefs, there is no doubt he is one of the most thought-provoking, entertaining and convincing thinkers of our times. The video below is just another example of how Dawkins has managed to set himself up as the leading voice of thought in the Western world.

Personally, I think he got it right at the beginning of this video when he quotes British geneticist, J.B.S. Haldane, in his revision of a quote from Hamlet.

"I suspect that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of, or can be dreamed of, in any philosophy. That is the reason why I have no philosophy myself, and must be my excuse for dreaming."

J.B.S. Haldane

An olympic-sized eyesore & me

The Pickards has a wonderfully amusing blog post on the public outcry over the London 2012 Olympic logo selection. Even if you don't care about the Olympics, the English or graphic design, I still think you'll get a kick out of this rant.

So what does this all have to do with consciousness, life after death or moi? Well, Jack Pickard also wrote a little piece on me called, The Medium is the Message. Fortunately, I seemed to have weathered his biting wit a wee better than the official London 2012 logo.

9 Steps to Genius

Over time, many people have asked me to teach them my genius. Though flattered, I am so busy at being a gosh darn genius, I never really had the time to sit down and figure myself out. Luckily, someone else has.

So, for all those genius wannabes, here's a quick study guide on how to think like a genius (or like me).

Joy Ride

I'm back with a head full of mush, madness and little moments of in between. That's what it's like going back home to what was once your home.

I did bring back some sand with me. Take a look.

The Two Billion Pound Psychic

If me not having won the lotto in nearly 99 different attempts wasn't proof enough, here comes more evidence that I do not rank very high on God's list of favorite psychics. London's Daily Mail is reporting this story.

It was a stroke of good fortune he probably didn't see coming.

A feng shui master – or Chinese fortune-teller – will inherit the £2 billion fortune of Asia's richest woman.

Nina Wang, the eccentric Hong Kong tycoon, has apparently made Tony Chan Chun-chuen her sole heir.Nicknamed 'little sweetie' for her braided pigtails, mini-skirts and giggly persona, Mrs Wang, 69, died earlier this month from cancer.

Her decision to leave her vast wealth in the hands of an outsider, while shunning her family, is sure to lead to a court challenge.

Media reports had suggested that Mrs Wang, who had no children, had drafted a will in 2002 pledging much of her estate to charity.

But a revised will drafted last year, as she battled cancer, named Canadian-educated Chan, who advised her on feng shui, as the beneficiary, according to the well-placed source.

She reportedly added a clause to the will insisting that he use the wealth he has inherited in a 'good and proper way'.

Mrs Wang, ranked the 154th richest person in the world by Forbes magazine last year, had a life touched by tragedy.

In 1990, her husband Teddy was abducted by gangsters and never seen again. A Triad gang admitted in 2005 that he had been murdered and his body dumped from a boat into the South China Sea.

She stirred controversy by waging a legal war against her father-in-law, Wang Din-shin, to secure her husband's billions - even though he had not been confirmed dead.

Mrs Wang won the eight-year legal battle in 2005, securing full control of the estate and of Hong Kong's largest private property developer, Chinachem group, in a probate saga that captivated the city of seven million with tales of illicit affairs.

When asked whether Chan would get all the money, the source stressed again that he was the 'sole beneficiary' and that all of Mrs Wang's estate, including that of her husband 'gets paid on in sequence' to him. The source would give no further details.

A statement is expected from Mrs Wang’s lawyer today.

Chan, a fortune-teller to the stars, is understood to have been introduced to the businesswoman by a fellow tycoon and to have been involved in her funeral arrangements.

The ceremony was held on Wednesday morning and was attended by politicians and tycoons, including Macao casino magnate Stanley Ho, who arrived at the funeral home in a line of gleaming Rolls-Royces and other luxury cars.

Hundreds of white wreaths lining the pavement filled the air with the scent of flowers while, inside an altar was covered with more blooms.

A heart-shaped wreath of red roses bore Mrs Wang's smiling portrait and a flower-covered hearse transported her body to the crematorium.

In her lifetime, however, Mrs Wang was renowned for her thrift. She and her husband often claimed they had no time to spend money and that they preferred fast food to fine dining.

Meditation Moment #1

I used to co-host a radio show called In Good Spirit, and every now and then I would poke fun at the self-anointed gurus of new age meditation. I've always said, if you can't laugh at yourself, you're obviously looking in the wrong mirror.

So, take off your shoes, dim the lights, get into the lotus position and hold your nose -

Meditation Moment #1 (voice by Marcel)